Roslinda’s Reminiscence

People say that time heals all wounds but what if there are some wounds too deep to heal ? Some wounds that continue to remind you of the things that hurt you most ?  How many of us had, at some point or another, wished for an erasable memory ? One that allows us to pick and choose what we want to remember for the rest of our lives ?

I have had my share of pain and hurt and memories I wish I could erase but Im glad they are still with me because they are constant reminders of me being human. Capable of making mistakes, capable of foibles and vanities. Capable of trusting an dhaving that trust dishonoured. Capable of loving and having that love betrayed.

Do I have regrets ? Sure but that doesn’t mean I deny or reject what has happened in my life thus far because at the end of the day our joys and our sadness just mean that Allah wants us to learn something about life and in life that would make us stronger than we were before. If I fail to learn, if I fail to grow then that would indeed be my greatest regret. And failure.

Sometimes its hard. When faced with pain and disappointment and heartbreak, its tough to feel positive and think forward but thats the test of strength. How strong we are to remain true to ourselves despite our adversities.

I feel weak sometimes, I feel like giving up. Alhamdulillah I am still moving forward. Alhamdulillah I am still embracing challenges and thanking the Almighty for this chance for me to grow, Inshallah.

I have a friend who used to be very exasperated with her brother.  He is 4 years older than her but she is the one who supports him now.  He used to have a stable job with a steady income but after the death of her parents, he just quit his job and decided that he “needed to find himself and happiness”.  Initially my friend thought that he was going to rest for a bit and then start looking for a new job that matches his interest but no.  He withdrew all his savings and went on an extended travel to Nepal, Mongolia, Africa and many other places.  He sent her the odd postcards and e-mail, telling her he is okay and that he still needs to find himself and happiness. 

Now it is 3 years later and he is still searching somewhere and my friend has long given up on him to come back and be responsible for his life and expenses.  I stopped telling my friend that her wiring him money will not motivate him to be responsible but I have never stopped pondering on this concept of finding oneself.  Maybe it is because I don’t have a philosophical kind of mind or maybe my understanding of existentialism is shallow but I seriously feel that he is going about it the wrong way.

Don’t mistake me. I do believe that to find oneself, we need to undertake a long and strenuous journey.  However, unlike my friend’s brother, I think that to find oneself, we need to journey deep inside the recesses of our consciousness and soul, not to the far reaches of the globe. Who we are is the summation of our thoughts, our feelings, our experiences, our faith, our fears and so many more.  It is the person who we should be if we have the courage to be that person.

It is not easy to deal with raw honesty, especially if one has to be brutally truthful about oneself.  We have to face old and new fears and feel the quickening of our heartbeats, perspiration washing over the cold dread of paralysis that accompanies each terror.  We have to re-acquaint ourselves with our guilt. To once again experience the anguish each regret and guilt brings with it, searing our hearts and minds with painful intensity.  To enter the lowest depths of our soul and hate what we have allowed ourselves to become in moments of utter weakness, to collapse in exhausted acceptance of how we have wronged ourselves.  Only then can we rise again because we have made peace with the monster within.  And with this rise, we open our souls for the sweet healing light of forgiveness.  We can only fully accept ourselves when we learn to forgive ourselves.

This forgiveness in turn will lead you to the true path of happiness.  Because happiness is knowing who you are and knowing that you can be who you should be.