Roslinda’s Reminiscence

Regardless of your age, your mother will always be your strength.  The person you turn to when your world doesn’t run as perfectly as you want it to be.  The person you are confident will know how to remove stubborn stains from your white cotton shirt and the person who have all the answers to life’s great mysteries.  Like why does the next door neighbour insist on taking our cherry tomatoes without permission even though we always give her a bowl of it every season.

My mother has always been an indomitable spirit, a pillar of strength in turbulent times and a symbol of steadfastness when life was chaotic.  She made a dollar stretched so far that even the shopkeepers quaked when they see her approaching.  Even though my dad earned little, she never made us feel hungry and never made us feel that we cannot be more than what we are.  She made us feel that we must walk tall and stand proud even if we had holes in the soles of our shoes and our school uniforms were so faded that they didn’t even represent the school we were in.  When one by one we achieved academic and career success, she didn’t just let go but continued to be our moral compass.

On 1st February 2004, my mother collapsed after a marathon of cooking and doctors diagnosed her as having cancer.  She went for surgery and nuclear radiation, all the while stubborn and all the while assuring us that she will be okay.  We were all relieved.

This year, she collapsed again and doctors said that this time her cancer was aggressive and already in the 3rd stage.  The cancer seems to have spread considerably and surgery is out.  Mom went for radiation therapy, not to cure her but to control the cancer. 

My mom stays with me now and I take care of her. With this responsibility, I have been blessed with so much knowledge and wisdom, Alhamdulillah, that I feel humbled.  Humbled that I have been chosen as a vessel for all the kmowledge and wisdom and humbled that I have been chosen as the one to provide for her, in what little ways I can.

These past months, I have learnt a lot, more than I have learnt in 36 years of life.  I have learnt to remain strong when I see my mom struggle with pain everyday just so she can feel strong again.  I have learnt to be brave when she has to go for all the risky procedures just so she can have the courage to go through them herself.  I have learnt to speak to her in many ways even she has no voice anymore (she has had a tracheostomy done) just so her world is still filled with messages.  I have learnt to love and admire her all over again just so she knows she is loved.

It is very hard for a child not to cry when she sees her mom cries every day and it is doubly hard for that child to explain to her own children why it is okay for them to cry with grandma if they share her pain and still remain impassive.

I have often wondered how my mom did it.  Uneducated, she made us learned. Poor, she made us feel we can have anything we want to achieve. She was everything and anything.  She was there. She is mother.  Now I understand.  She was able to be who she was, did what she did and achieved what she set out to achieve because she loved.  She loves us and the power of her love translates the impossible to what we have now.

Every night as I see her into her room, I pray to God that tomorrow I shall still her smile and see the strength of the woman she is behind that smile.  Every night I pray that if I am blessed, I will have an ounce of her strength to be the daughter I know she will be proud to call her own. I know my time with her is running out but I have made my peace with her and I am just very grateful for the minutes and the hours I still have with her.

Every day, I thank God she is my mother.