Roslinda's Reminiscence

Divine Eraser

solehah — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 09:04:24 +0000

People say that time heals all wounds but what if there are some wounds too deep to heal ? Some wounds that continue to remind you of the things that hurt you most ? How many of us had, at some point or another, wished for an erasable memory ? One that allows us to pick and choose what we want to remember for the rest of our lives ?

I have had my share of pain and hurt and memories I wish I could erase but Im glad they are still with me because they are constant reminders of me being human. Capable of making mistakes, capable of foibles and vanities. Capable of trusting an dhaving that trust dishonoured. Capable of loving and having that love betrayed.

Do I have regrets ? Sure but that doesn’t mean I deny or reject what has happened in my life thus far because at the end of the day our joys and our sadness just mean that Allah wants us to learn something about life and in life that would make us stronger than we were before. If I fail to learn, if I fail to grow then that would indeed be my greatest regret. And failure.

Sometimes its hard. When faced with pain and disappointment and heartbreak, its tough to feel positive and think forward but thats the test of strength. How strong we are to remain true to ourselves despite our adversities.

I feel weak sometimes, I feel like giving up. Alhamdulillah I am still moving forward. Alhamdulillah I am still embracing challenges and thanking the Almighty for this chance for me to grow, Inshallah.

My Joy

solehah — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 11:17:19 +0000

Okay to describe him with only one word is near impossible because there isn’t in the English vocabulary a word that can capture his impishness, his mannerisms, his cunning intellect, his quirks, his beautiful smile….the joy he brings. I conceived him at a very difficult period of my life and I know that he is Allah’s way of telling me that despite all the struggles I am facing, I am still capable of having beauty in my life.

He is my very own kook and I love him very much.

My Princess

solehah — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 11:11:32 +0000

I went through a lot with my princess : from the time she was born till now. Her health, her scholastic development and so on and so forth. But my princess makes all my struggles worth it because she is genuinely a beautiful soul. She is a generous and caring soul, vibrant personality and she has an immense capacity for love. She likes hiphop and sometimes talk like she is from the Californian Valley though

She is beautiful and I love her very much.

My Own Harry Potter

solehah — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 10:58:50 +0000

My eldest child. As with most eldest born (my apologies to all the eldest born ) , he thinks everything should be delivered to him. Postmarked and wrapped with an easy-to-tear-off special paper. He whines when he doesn’t get what he wants (fortunately I am whine-deaf) and is totally clueless about anything that doesn’t have his name as the main headline. But he is sweet and he has a great sense of humour. (Once when he was in a go-kart ride with me and I was racing through the mud he shouted “Help ! I knew I’m gonna have a dirty end.” Ok so maybe only I thought that was funny :p ).

He is my 11-year old wise(cracking) man. I love him very much.

The Meaning of Happiness

solehah — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 10:31:17 +0000

I have a friend who used to be very exasperated with her brother. He is 4 years older than her but she is the one who supports him now. He used to have a stable job with a steady income but after the death of her parents, he just quit his job and decided that he “needed to find himself and happiness”. Initially my friend thought that he was going to rest for a bit and then start looking for a new job that matches his interest but no. He withdrew all his savings and went on an extended travel to Nepal, Mongolia, Africa and many other places. He sent her the odd postcards and e-mail, telling her he is okay and that he still needs to find himself and happiness.

Now it is 3 years later and he is still searching somewhere and my friend has long given up on him to come back and be responsible for his life and expenses. I stopped telling my friend that her wiring him money will not motivate him to be responsible but I have never stopped pondering on this concept of finding oneself. Maybe it is because I don’t have a philosophical kind of mind or maybe my understanding of existentialism is shallow but I seriously feel that he is going about it the wrong way.

Don’t mistake me. I do believe that to find oneself, we need to undertake a long and strenuous journey. However, unlike my friend’s brother, I think that to find oneself, we need to journey deep inside the recesses of our consciousness and soul, not to the far reaches of the globe. Who we are is the summation of our thoughts, our feelings, our experiences, our faith, our fears and so many more. It is the person who we should be if we have the courage to be that person.

It is not easy to deal with raw honesty, especially if one has to be brutally truthful about oneself. We have to face old and new fears and feel the quickening of our heartbeats, perspiration washing over the cold dread of paralysis that accompanies each terror. We have to re-acquaint ourselves with our guilt. To once again experience the anguish each regret and guilt brings with it, searing our hearts and minds with painful intensity. To enter the lowest depths of our soul and hate what we have allowed ourselves to become in moments of utter weakness, to collapse in exhausted acceptance of how we have wronged ourselves. Only then can we rise again because we have made peace with the monster within. And with this rise, we open our souls for the sweet healing light of forgiveness. We can only fully accept ourselves when we learn to forgive ourselves.

This forgiveness in turn will lead you to the true path of happiness. Because happiness is knowing who you are and knowing that you can be who you should be.

Opposite side of the mirror…

solehah — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 10:03:47 +0000

Regardless of your age, your mother will always be your strength. The person you turn to when your world doesn’t run as perfectly as you want it to be. The person you are confident will know how to remove stubborn stains from your white cotton shirt and the person who have all the answers to life’s great mysteries. Like why does the next door neighbour insist on taking our cherry tomatoes without permission even though we always give her a bowl of it every season.

My mother has always been an indomitable spirit, a pillar of strength in turbulent times and a symbol of steadfastness when life was chaotic. She made a dollar stretched so far that even the shopkeepers quaked when they see her approaching. Even though my dad earned little, she never made us feel hungry and never made us feel that we cannot be more than what we are. She made us feel that we must walk tall and stand proud even if we had holes in the soles of our shoes and our school uniforms were so faded that they didn’t even represent the school we were in. When one by one we achieved academic and career success, she didn’t just let go but continued to be our moral compass.

On 1st February 2004, my mother collapsed after a marathon of cooking and doctors diagnosed her as having cancer. She went for surgery and nuclear radiation, all the while stubborn and all the while assuring us that she will be okay. We were all relieved.

This year, she collapsed again and doctors said that this time her cancer was aggressive and already in the 3rd stage. The cancer seems to have spread considerably and surgery is out. Mom went for radiation therapy, not to cure her but to control the cancer.

My mom stays with me now and I take care of her. With this responsibility, I have been blessed with so much knowledge and wisdom, Alhamdulillah, that I feel humbled. Humbled that I have been chosen as a vessel for all the kmowledge and wisdom and humbled that I have been chosen as the one to provide for her, in what little ways I can.

These past months, I have learnt a lot, more than I have learnt in 36 years of life. I have learnt to remain strong when I see my mom struggle with pain everyday just so she can feel strong again. I have learnt to be brave when she has to go for all the risky procedures just so she can have the courage to go through them herself. I have learnt to speak to her in many ways even she has no voice anymore (she has had a tracheostomy done) just so her world is still filled with messages. I have learnt to love and admire her all over again just so she knows she is loved.

It is very hard for a child not to cry when she sees her mom cries every day and it is doubly hard for that child to explain to her own children why it is okay for them to cry with grandma if they share her pain and still remain impassive.

I have often wondered how my mom did it. Uneducated, she made us learned. Poor, she made us feel we can have anything we want to achieve. She was everything and anything. She was there. She is mother. Now I understand. She was able to be who she was, did what she did and achieved what she set out to achieve because she loved. She loves us and the power of her love translates the impossible to what we have now.

Every night as I see her into her room, I pray to God that tomorrow I shall still her smile and see the strength of the woman she is behind that smile. Every night I pray that if I am blessed, I will have an ounce of her strength to be the daughter I know she will be proud to call her own. I know my time with her is running out but I have made my peace with her and I am just very grateful for the minutes and the hours I still have with her.

Every day, I thank God she is my mother.